"you seem to have lost your everyday spark"

thats what my science teacher said to me today. jacqui. what a women. she is probably my favorite teacher. i hate science but i don't mind her class its always a good time.  when she said this to me today i broke down.  so i wasn't the only one noticing i wasn't myself lately?  i just spent a fantastic week in texas with audrey. shopping, eating, relaxing.  i had new clothes a new haircut, but not a new outlook on my senior year.  whats missing? what is missing from me that other people can tell? i know what it is.  well actually i don't it could be a number of things that are going on in my life.  school, grades, applications, my dad's heart stuff, missing america, volleyball.  is it bad that i dread getting up for school every morning? is it bad that it feels like a chore?  i don't enjoy it one bit.  i feel like everyday is the same humdrum.  i'm lucky to have great friends and a great family. but lately i just feel apathetic towards everything.  i just want june 4 to come so i can be officially done with high school FOREVER.  and on top of everything. im sick once again. how magnifiant.  and i have isst's next week in london. i don't want to go i don't want to miss school and i want to go to a party (how selfish am i) but really i wouldn't have a good time it would just be me sitting there listening to music and playing.  the only reason i would go is because i know they can't win without me (cocky i know) but its true.  they couldn't pull it off.  i don't know i just feel like everything is going down the toilet for me lately. and i want to be back to my old self.  i don't want to cry, i don't want to worry, and i don't want to be tired or sick. i hope i can find my spark. and be the person that i want to be and who i used to be. 

americans are stupid.

i love america. and all it stands for. except for these ignorant americans. people are voting obama because he is black. i'm sorry that sounds racist but come on. 

these people. in this clip you are about to watch are STUPID. 

please watch and try not to laugh too hard at your fellow "americans"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyvqhdllXgU

60seconds.

one minute.60seconds. so much can happen in such a short amount of time. on monday night i was lying in bed. restless as usual thinking about everything i have going on in the upcoming week. in one minute i thought about  millions of things. isn't it funny how we say we only saw something for a minute, only did it for a minute. we use that expression to talk about something that happened quick, something that doesn't really matter. but so much can happen in a minute. friendships can be broken. the words i love you can be muttered. your life can change in an instant. but minutes seem to pass by slow at times and fast other times. when i'm in school it seems like five minutes is 20. but why, do we want time to speed up, when we are always trying to buy more time. if you had one more minute to study the material before a test, would it make a difference? if you spent one more minute with the person you love who isn't there anymore, could you have said something that changed your lives forever?i don't think i ever thought about how much a minute means to me until recently. i feel like the school days drag on and on. but when i get home the 5 hours that i have to do my homwork before i am lethargic and don't care anymore seem to zoom by. where do those minutes go? why do they flee so fast without us knowing.  and then when its friday night and i'm lying in bed at 1.01 am im thinking where the hell did those past 5 days go. im one more week closer to being finished with highschool. while im so excited about june 4(graduation!!) i am scared. i'm on my OWN. i don't have years left here i have months, days, hours, minutes, seconds. these minutes and days are going to go by faster than i know at least that is what everyone tells me. its almost november, i'm almost halfway done with my final year of highschool. is it real? is it finally my time? im 17 years old. i've been to more countries than i ever imagined i would go to. ive met more people than i can count. done things that i regret. done things i am proud of. and have regrets, but would i go back and change the things i did wrong? no probably not. those things have shaped me and for every minute that i spent doing them. it wasn't a minute wasted. it was a minute learning more about myself, and how i can react to situations. if it wasn't for all the experiences in my life, i wouldn't be the person i am today. i am sure of that. a minute in a song, can change your life. a minute. just think about that. it probably takes you 3 minutes to read my entry, but did you learn anything? do you consider this time wasted? is time ever wasted? 

mayer madness

is it wrong that i'm in love with someone i know i will never have. it is quite sad how much i love john mayer. i could talk about him all the time. his lyrics god they are amazing. i could listen to him all day every day and i could find new meaning in everyone of his songs. so he has dated a couple flooseys, so what his music is AMAZING. i have loved this man for 7 years and counting. i remember the day i got his first cd. oh what a day that was. i've seen him 3 times, and i've never been disappointed. i'm listening to his song in your atmosphere off his where the light is DVD cd. so amazing. i could literally listen to this song all day. i love it. everyone knows i love him and its amazing i wouldn't have it any other way. i have a 6 year old poster of him in my room. i am totally taking it to college or at least getting another one, i couldn't live if i didn't have john (and justin) hanging in my room. literally amazing. haha i might sound lame but idcare really. he plays the guitar with such ease and its always beautiful. i played the guitar in middle school because of him, i thought i was some hot shit. haha i have since stopped playing but i always wanted to learn one of his songs. my DREAM is to have a guy serenade me while playing john mayer, preferably your body is a wonderland ;) it will happen i know it will (knock on wood) well thats all i really have to say for today, went to a party last night...good times...won volleyball...did homework all day today...i still need to do my college apps. the good news is that i only have 5 more days of school until AMERICA! so excited to finally be back, it will be a fun and well deserved break. well goodnight bloggerworld.

velcro.

well my converse were way radder than those to the left, mine are velcro. ah yes i got them for about 5$ in turkey this summer. what a steal. and yet some people make fun of them. i don't understand how some people think they can make fun of you for all this shit, but when you say one negative thing to them, they go off the deep end, a little hypocritical i think, yes? anyways we had this dumb field trip on our half day yesterday we had to go to fucking leiden. it was horrible o'donnell got us lost for 45 minutes. tres bad.  and then i went to ashley's and did "homework" which really means watch youtube for 2 hours. so amazing then bible study we watched the legend of bragger vance. good movie with will smith and matt damon. i was so tired i could barely keep my eyes open.  today school sucked it was so boring, and i actually had to go to volleyball, lame! but we had a team dinner, and as usual i came home from the camerons feeling so full i could bust. and of course i had a fight with papa. he insisted i do my math. which is such bullshit. he riped up my ticket to dallas (well the copy) and took my phone and "grounded me" ill get out of that shit, i'm so going to shiv's party. at least i got to watch project runway in peace. so amazing. i'm totally digging kenley's above (right). and lee ann's(left). we shall see!!!!! i have to write the first chapter for my english novel. i have no clue what to write about. i'll make it work :) TEXAS so soon. i'm super stoked. anyways i better go before the devil himself, my father, comes home its his 46th birthday tomorrow. ay yi yi