it's that time again.

well it is christmas time once again. don't get me wrong, i do love this time of year. but, the week before the fun starts...is exams. i usually don't get to stressed out about it, and i'm not really this year. i'm just making sure that i study and all that jazz. but honestly. its christmas time and what good things have i done for people this year, have i really been nice? or would i be on santa's bad list.  surprisingly there has been some drama this year but its all subsided, which is good. i've done alot for myself this year, but i don't think that is a bad thing.  not that i have been selfish.  but instead of worrying about other people and what they are doing, thinking, etc. i've kind of just ignored it.  i could care less about 75% of our school i only like my friends and the people that i hang out with.  everyone else is just noise.  that may sound mean but when your almost 18 years old, and you are almost OUT of high school, anyone that gets in your way deserves zero of your time.  man do i wish i was going back to america for christmas. i'm excited to be here and to go to paris with silvia (!)  but i miss everyone.  i try not to think about it too much 'cause i'll just upset myself, but how can i not think about it when this time last year i was with lauren laughing at our retarded family, and with wendy and alicia doing whatever the hell we wanted too.  i just need to push through these next 4 days until FREEDOM. i think it will pay off, no i KNOW it will pay off.  i'm just praying to the Lord for some perseverance this week. well it is off to the shower and then to my spanish exam. wish me luck. 

myspace post.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1. why did you say those things about me?
2. sorry i talk shit about you
3. i love you
4. i loathe you
5. why didn't you ever call back?
6. did you think you could use me for that long?
7. i would be nothing without you in my life
8. i wish i got to know you better
9. without you in my life, i don't think i'd wake up everyday
10. i wish i could tell you the truth

9 things about yourself:

1. i want to find the one
2. i'm always searching for something that isn't looking for me.
3. i worry alot
4. i love my friends and family
5. sometimes i like being a bitch
6. i love john mayer
7. i wish people knew me for something else
8. i believe in God
9. i'm obsessed with twilight.

8 ways to win your heart:

1. playing the guitar
2. being truthful
3. calling back when you say you will
4. buying me stuff (hehe)
5. loving me
6. knuffelz
7. loving my friends and family (i mean come on if you want to be my lover you've got to get with my friends
8. buy me a plane ticket to virginia

7 things that cross your mind alot:

1. him
2. virginia
3. massachusetts
4. pain
5. music
6. smiles
7. lists

6 things you wish you never did:

1. freshman year
2. lied
3. gossiped
4. gone there
5. not listened
6. ignored you

5 turn offs

1. body odor
2. smelly breath/nasty teeth
3. liars/exaggeraters
4. bad clothes
5. apathy

4 turn ons

1. smelling good
2. taller than me
3. ability to serenade me with music
4. hilarious

3 smiley faces that describe your life

1. :)
2. :/
3. :D

2 things you want to do before you die

1. meet john mayer
2. touch as many lives as i can.

1 confession

1. i don't regret what i've done. i just wish that their outcomes weren't as severe. and i also wish that i wasn't such a bitch.

boobey bonezalot.

this weekend. well really last night has been the best. in a very long time.  yesterday i headed down to amsterdam quite early. hung out with a friend, then met up with hannah jordan and emma. we were surprising hannah for her birthday. so we had to keep her distracted for a long time. okay honestly after 6 on a saturday night in amsterdam, there isn't much to do except get drunk. so we wandered around in the freezing cold and finally made our way to hardrock.  when we got there everyone was there and it was coool (this is going to be a lame post but i do not care. it gets better) so anywho. after dinner every one leaves except me ally silvia and elizabeth.  we decided to go to boom chicago, so i pulled some strings and got us six euro tickets. i know i have the hookup.  so we watch the show which was hilarious then at intermission in walks SETH MEYERS. i grabbed silvia by the arm and was like THATS HIM THATS HIM. i ran outside told ally and ebeth then ran in side like a total tool.  after the show i went up to him and asked if we could have a picture. he was so nice and his brother who was on that 70s show took the picture for us. totally badass, i know.  hahha after our euphoric state we ran outside and started making small talk with a guy who looks like loytoy. we made up some story how we go to rijksvelgde or something. hahah papa picked us up. but on the way home the car broke down. HAHAH we were standing on the side of the highway stranded. finally it started and we sped home.  it was such a good day.

tell them that they get what they wanted.

we think your a joke shove your hope where it don't shine

i wish i could say that to people sometimes. especially at my fucking school. i walk through the halls sometimes and just shake my head at all the fools that i go to school with. 

that is all. 

i'm going to kanye and santogold tomorrow. holler. 

winter wonderland.

its finally snowing. i am so happy. this really makes it feel like winter. i don't even mind sitting in my room all day watching sex and the city and not doing work. well i mean i did do some work, but obviously the bare minimum.  last night was so fun. silvia calli elizabeth and i finished 3 bottles of wine in a matter of three hours. elizabeth and i finished ones by ourselves, impressive i know. so i'm trying to write this paper about a streetcar named desire and m. butterfly. its a comparative probably the hardest to write cause its such bullshit.  i'm writing about a false reality which surprisingly i am pretty excited about.  not only do characters in books and plays put on false realities but us readers do as well.  we say things to please some, wear clothes to fit in, and lie to ourselves to make it feel better and think that everything is okay.  but where is the line between false reality and true reality. i personally think its a blurry one for most. some people get to the point where they are constantly trying to fool everyone, even their closest friends. and i don't think that people understand that lying and pretending doesn't make people like you more. true friends want to see the real you, not some one you've conjured up in your head.  we all do it. i do it sometimes to, to please ones that i love.  sometimes you don't want to tell someone the truth to help spare their feelings, but are we just fueling their false reality fire, should we just tell them the truth and stand near with a box of tissues? i'm starting to think that is the path i should be taking. because a false reality will only lead to a downfall as i can see in both of these books. well i'm off to finish this

:)

5

i hate people who lie. 

starstrukk

this week. has been so so much better than the last. well really this weekend has. friday was kate's birthday dinner at some tapas place. it was nice except the table was so long i couldn't talk to people at the other end. saturday me ally and shakes went to food fair. then after randomly decided to go to amsterdam. it was the best decision we have ever made. we had like no money but we seemed to get ollibolen drinks AND food. what a good time. and i saw my friend james that was a goed time too. but today i've literally been sitting on my ass doing nothing. i can drive standard like a beasttttt now though. which will be handy.  honestly i don't think i'm as stressed now because i've sent in ALL my college applications. what a feat. just a few more weeks until break. thank goooodness. i'm so excited for the next few months. thanksgiving, christmas, new years, my birthday, enter shikari, MUN, SKI TRIP. whatt a time. but really. it'll be good. this past week i've been listening to the same cd taylor swift. as lame as it is ahha but its sooo good. welli must depart and study for some math

laater jongen. 

YO YO YO

FUCK. 

i hate school. and everything it entails. i feel like every post i have is about my hate for school. but it is quite strong. anyways this weekend was alright. friday was this masquerade for this girl. it was alright not that many people were there. i had a stomach ache from one to many margaritas but what can you do. yesterday ally and i went to the hague for lunch and shit then met up with e-beth for 007 (which was alright) i love ally she's so fucking hilarious. we just sat in bagels and beans forever and talked about the randomest shit. but it was good. then last night we had shakes make us some italian. so good as per usual. sat and laughed for a few hours. god i laughed so hard i haven't done that in a long time. then we joyrode in the volvo with aud. too funny. fucking 90's trance. where the hell does silvia get that shit. she knew exactly where the cd was too, like she listens to it every day, which she probably does. i watched wedding crashers last night. i forgot how hilarious that movie was. oh god i laughed alone in the dark. ha i didn't do shit today except for have a mental breakdown. SUCH A ROCKIN' TIME REALLY.  but really. not really. 

im going to go do some shit and hardly work def. not work hard. 

peace bitchez

"you seem to have lost your everyday spark"

thats what my science teacher said to me today. jacqui. what a women. she is probably my favorite teacher. i hate science but i don't mind her class its always a good time.  when she said this to me today i broke down.  so i wasn't the only one noticing i wasn't myself lately?  i just spent a fantastic week in texas with audrey. shopping, eating, relaxing.  i had new clothes a new haircut, but not a new outlook on my senior year.  whats missing? what is missing from me that other people can tell? i know what it is.  well actually i don't it could be a number of things that are going on in my life.  school, grades, applications, my dad's heart stuff, missing america, volleyball.  is it bad that i dread getting up for school every morning? is it bad that it feels like a chore?  i don't enjoy it one bit.  i feel like everyday is the same humdrum.  i'm lucky to have great friends and a great family. but lately i just feel apathetic towards everything.  i just want june 4 to come so i can be officially done with high school FOREVER.  and on top of everything. im sick once again. how magnifiant.  and i have isst's next week in london. i don't want to go i don't want to miss school and i want to go to a party (how selfish am i) but really i wouldn't have a good time it would just be me sitting there listening to music and playing.  the only reason i would go is because i know they can't win without me (cocky i know) but its true.  they couldn't pull it off.  i don't know i just feel like everything is going down the toilet for me lately. and i want to be back to my old self.  i don't want to cry, i don't want to worry, and i don't want to be tired or sick. i hope i can find my spark. and be the person that i want to be and who i used to be. 

americans are stupid.

i love america. and all it stands for. except for these ignorant americans. people are voting obama because he is black. i'm sorry that sounds racist but come on. 

these people. in this clip you are about to watch are STUPID. 

please watch and try not to laugh too hard at your fellow "americans"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyvqhdllXgU

60seconds.

one minute.60seconds. so much can happen in such a short amount of time. on monday night i was lying in bed. restless as usual thinking about everything i have going on in the upcoming week. in one minute i thought about  millions of things. isn't it funny how we say we only saw something for a minute, only did it for a minute. we use that expression to talk about something that happened quick, something that doesn't really matter. but so much can happen in a minute. friendships can be broken. the words i love you can be muttered. your life can change in an instant. but minutes seem to pass by slow at times and fast other times. when i'm in school it seems like five minutes is 20. but why, do we want time to speed up, when we are always trying to buy more time. if you had one more minute to study the material before a test, would it make a difference? if you spent one more minute with the person you love who isn't there anymore, could you have said something that changed your lives forever?i don't think i ever thought about how much a minute means to me until recently. i feel like the school days drag on and on. but when i get home the 5 hours that i have to do my homwork before i am lethargic and don't care anymore seem to zoom by. where do those minutes go? why do they flee so fast without us knowing.  and then when its friday night and i'm lying in bed at 1.01 am im thinking where the hell did those past 5 days go. im one more week closer to being finished with highschool. while im so excited about june 4(graduation!!) i am scared. i'm on my OWN. i don't have years left here i have months, days, hours, minutes, seconds. these minutes and days are going to go by faster than i know at least that is what everyone tells me. its almost november, i'm almost halfway done with my final year of highschool. is it real? is it finally my time? im 17 years old. i've been to more countries than i ever imagined i would go to. ive met more people than i can count. done things that i regret. done things i am proud of. and have regrets, but would i go back and change the things i did wrong? no probably not. those things have shaped me and for every minute that i spent doing them. it wasn't a minute wasted. it was a minute learning more about myself, and how i can react to situations. if it wasn't for all the experiences in my life, i wouldn't be the person i am today. i am sure of that. a minute in a song, can change your life. a minute. just think about that. it probably takes you 3 minutes to read my entry, but did you learn anything? do you consider this time wasted? is time ever wasted? 

mayer madness

is it wrong that i'm in love with someone i know i will never have. it is quite sad how much i love john mayer. i could talk about him all the time. his lyrics god they are amazing. i could listen to him all day every day and i could find new meaning in everyone of his songs. so he has dated a couple flooseys, so what his music is AMAZING. i have loved this man for 7 years and counting. i remember the day i got his first cd. oh what a day that was. i've seen him 3 times, and i've never been disappointed. i'm listening to his song in your atmosphere off his where the light is DVD cd. so amazing. i could literally listen to this song all day. i love it. everyone knows i love him and its amazing i wouldn't have it any other way. i have a 6 year old poster of him in my room. i am totally taking it to college or at least getting another one, i couldn't live if i didn't have john (and justin) hanging in my room. literally amazing. haha i might sound lame but idcare really. he plays the guitar with such ease and its always beautiful. i played the guitar in middle school because of him, i thought i was some hot shit. haha i have since stopped playing but i always wanted to learn one of his songs. my DREAM is to have a guy serenade me while playing john mayer, preferably your body is a wonderland ;) it will happen i know it will (knock on wood) well thats all i really have to say for today, went to a party last night...good times...won volleyball...did homework all day today...i still need to do my college apps. the good news is that i only have 5 more days of school until AMERICA! so excited to finally be back, it will be a fun and well deserved break. well goodnight bloggerworld.

velcro.

well my converse were way radder than those to the left, mine are velcro. ah yes i got them for about 5$ in turkey this summer. what a steal. and yet some people make fun of them. i don't understand how some people think they can make fun of you for all this shit, but when you say one negative thing to them, they go off the deep end, a little hypocritical i think, yes? anyways we had this dumb field trip on our half day yesterday we had to go to fucking leiden. it was horrible o'donnell got us lost for 45 minutes. tres bad.  and then i went to ashley's and did "homework" which really means watch youtube for 2 hours. so amazing then bible study we watched the legend of bragger vance. good movie with will smith and matt damon. i was so tired i could barely keep my eyes open.  today school sucked it was so boring, and i actually had to go to volleyball, lame! but we had a team dinner, and as usual i came home from the camerons feeling so full i could bust. and of course i had a fight with papa. he insisted i do my math. which is such bullshit. he riped up my ticket to dallas (well the copy) and took my phone and "grounded me" ill get out of that shit, i'm so going to shiv's party. at least i got to watch project runway in peace. so amazing. i'm totally digging kenley's above (right). and lee ann's(left). we shall see!!!!! i have to write the first chapter for my english novel. i have no clue what to write about. i'll make it work :) TEXAS so soon. i'm super stoked. anyways i better go before the devil himself, my father, comes home its his 46th birthday tomorrow. ay yi yi 

anyone named ally is a big bitch.

i'm just kidding ally really isn't a big bitch. so i'm in math class. not doing work :) theres me and ashley rockin'. tomorrow i am going to texel for a science trip. its really going to suck, its supposed to be raining and thundering and cold, and wet and miserable. it should be quite joyous. sike.

there are our awesome videos/pictures. my education=going to school and taking pictures on the macbooks. unfortunately after returning from paris i have a cold it is quite traumatic. i don't feel like being deep and analytical like i usually am in my blogs (haha kidding) 

well im back home blogging. i packed for texel. i feel like i overpacked BIG TIME. lets hope i didn't. and lets also hope that i did not forget anything. lord help us this is going to be HELL. its supposed to be raining/hailing the WHOLE TIME WE ARE THERE. AHHHHHH. its going to be insane. im so sick of hearing my parents yelling at my brother about school. can't he just get it together and just do well in school i just don't get it. im downloading excessive amounts of music. im probs going to go to jail one day for stealing so much music. but those artists are rich enough already, spread the wealth :) my science teacher just texted me. love that lady. i hope i have everything for these horrible three days. and ontop of everything as i have stated before SAT ON SATURDAY. oh man. today i watched gossip girl, one tree hill, how i met your mother, and the hills. its quite sad how my tuesdays consist of 3 hours of television, but i mean i have to feed my addictions.  alright well i better get going and double check everything and make sure that i have enough stuff (oh jeeze) anyways until next time. 

feeling the same way all over again.

autumn. it is by far my favorite season. it makes me think of happy times. football games. coffee. friends. family. so many things that i love. even love itself. i miss american fall because it is so crisp and colorful. being in paris this past weekend made me yearn for an american autumn. paris is so beautiful i'm so glad that i got to go, i just wish i was able to spend more time there but i'm going back in may with lauren so it should be amazing.  my parents were gone this weekend, i had to do laundry all morning. and my no good 16 year old brother won't help. he was out last night while i was sitting on the couch, with a box of tissues, a movie i'd seen, my bunny and blankets dosing off from my nyquil. how lame was i? a senior in high school home on a saturday night alone. but honestly, i don't think that it is that lame.  i enjoy time by myself. even though it should be spent working on school work (bleh) or college applications(save me) i like to just have time to myself.  this morning i woke up and started putzing around the house, doing laundry having some tea watching grey's anatomy.  and i don't mind one bit. i don't mind being home, not on the phone, not on the computer, and not having to answer to anyone. it is quite nice. but i must say i was disappointed to come home to an empty house last night, i wished that my parents would have been here but i guess i have to deal. 

this weekend in paris was not that spectacular. besides being in france, my favorite country second to america, i was bored. volleyball is a snooze. my houser buddy is a snooze, and the bus ride was hell. who wants to be on a bus for 8 hours with a bunch of people that i'm not really friends with? not i. i know my parents are always telling me that i have to learn how to get along with others blah blah blah. but i really don't give a shit. i'm nice to everyone, well i usually am, but why am i going to be friends with people that i don't enjoy spending time with? why am i going to talk to someone that makes me want to rip out my hair, or watch two freshman girls sit there smile at me when they know i'm not going to smile back. don't get me wrong, i'm not a mean person. i just know what i like and what i want. so why should i be forced to succumb to standards and people that i just don't enjoy. some people perceive me as this hanus bitch ( i just watched 1o things i hate about you) but i don't know why. when i'm walking down the hals at school i don't always have a huge smile on my face. so some 13 year old big boobed, braceface, dick sucking freshman thinks i give her dirty looks in the hall way? do i give a shit no not really. i'm not friends with them am i, i don't need to win their affection for anything. it is quite annoying. i'm a senior they should be kissing my feet, which most of them do :) god this blogging is amazing i feel so stress free after wards.

i unfortunately still have homework to do today for my bitch ass ap human geography teacher. she gives us this stuff to read that doesn't even go along with the book. why do i care which country is the happiest i just want to get a 5 on the AP exam and maybe get some college credit. so stupid. and i have to rewrite an essay which i could care less about its english 12. and i have college essays/applications to do AHHHHHH! someone pinch me please. i'm not trying to be stressed out i'm really trying to take it every day at a time. but when i look at this next week i have so much coming up. 2 quizzes tomorrow, an essay due tuesday, three days in texel for damn science. SAT on saturday (lord help me) and studying/making up work i missed wednesday, thursday, and friday. i need some help. and i know that the Lord is the only one who can help me so i need to listen to what he has to say and not freak out. ay yi yi. well i should probably get back to work. its been nice venting. 

don't forget

6:42 am. i'm wide awake, its morning. today i'm heading to paris for volleyball. i suppose i am excited, except for the fact that i have to sit on a bus with a bunch of annoying teens for six hours. and i hope that we win, because i would hate to have had traveled for so long to fail. i was on my old friend's facebook today, her pictures are absolutely breathtaking. i wish i could do something like that, it is quite unfortunate that i can't. my parents went out of town yesterday, i biked back and fourth to my school 3 times yesterday. ugh it was so annoying. i really could care less about volleyball, i'm not digging the team this year, and plus i feel so unattached from them. oh well only a few more weeks and at least i get to miss school for it :) but i have to miss school for our science trip next week, which is going to blow because i really don't like my group. oh well.  

i've been thinking alot about the end of this year lately. and how i don't want to say goodbye to my friends. i think it will be harder, no i know it will be harder saying goodbye to them than it was saying goodbye to people in virginia. its going to be rough. we had our senior trip yesterday and we are probably going to go to crete. i'm pretty stoked for a week of partying with my bests.  i'm pretty much pissed i'm not able to go to amsterdam tonight because of the parentals. but i don't want to disappoint them i want to be able go to go to tex with aud. 

well i should probably get going got to catch that bus to the city of love. au revior. 

falling in love without you.

well this is my first post. i'm so glad that ashley got me into this, i can tell that its going to be amazing. well i've never really blogged before so here goes.  i can't believe i am in my senior year. i can't believe that i will be graduating in less than a year, and moving 3,000 miles away from my family to go to college. it blows my mind that i have come to this point in my life.  i remember being in elementary school thinking "when will it all be over?" but now that it is coming to a close, i don't really want it to.  who will wash my clothes, make my meals, hug me when i have had a bad day, or be there for me.  i know that they will just be an email or a phone call away but after 18 years of being with my family, what is it going to be like to be away from them.  it is already hard being away from friends that have left, or friends that i have had to leave.  i struggled last year big time, but this year has been so much better. i think its because i have been applying myself more.  i feel so cheesin' blogging all of my thoughts on the internet, but oh well. i need an outlet for everything.  today invisible children came to my school (www.invisiblechildren.com) its an amazing organization that helps child soldiers in northern uganda. it is such an eye opener to other parts of the world, that even though i am far away from i can still have an impact on by donating money.  its totally radical.  and tonight at bible study we talked about hearing God's word.  i really need to start setting time aside for the Lord everyday, because without him i am nothing a verse that really stuck out to me today was matthew 6:34 "therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of its own." i think that i spend too much time worrying about the future that i am not doing what is right for the task at hand.  i think i really need to take a step back and look and all of the things that i have accomplished and things that i am accomplishing. the Lord is so amazing i am so thankful and glad that he is my savior.  well i should probably get going. 

:)